Insecurities, everyone has them. As most people say the loudest person in the room has the most to be insecure about but, compared to most people, they’re a lot better at hiding them from view. I’m not a loud, confident or bubbly person, but as I discovered in writing this I have a lot of insecurities that have evolved from me being fat.
For as long as I can remember I have been the stereotypical fat girl in a world where the only thing people care about is being the skinniest person in the room. Just because they know that it will make them feel good to boast about how skinny they are. Hell, if I was as slim and slender as some of the people on Instagram I would probably show it off too. It would probably help if I knew what “it” was, wouldn’t it?
High school is when my insecurities really became noticeable. High school is a place where anyone and everyone is judged for stupid and pointless things that in the real world don’t matter, but in the bubble of high school it can be the end of any kind of popularity you might have had. Apart from being fat, I think the worst thing I was judged for was that I wore my brother’s second hand school polo shirts in the summer term.
Very quickly my insecurities took control. I didn’t want to go out unless it was absolutely necessary incase someone I knew from school saw me in a tee-shirt that didn’t hide my rolls of fat. I would hide from the camera because I didn’t want to see myself in the photo. If we had a PE lesson after lunch, I would go to the changing rooms early solely because I wanted to be able to change into my PE kit without anyone seeing what could easily be hidden underneath my school uniform.
My bedroom instantly became the one place where I could escape and have peace from the rest of the world who wanted to spout negative comments in my direction. The inside of my bedroom represented my heart and the emotions, I felt the need to protect in any way I could. From the moment I left the safety of my bedroom my protective barriers would be a full force until I went to bed at night or had a chance to be on my own.
College was supposed to be an opportunity for me to escape the person I had been at high school; but unfortunately that never happened. All that really happened was I grew bigger like a balloon and my insecurities worsened because going to college in the middle of a city made it that much easier for me to find comfort in foods, chocolate, sausage rolls, McDonald’s, Burger King, large packets of crisps, that hadn’t been easy for me to get in high school. I still woke up and went to sleep hating myself because of what I had done to myself.
Most of the conversations in the classroom appeared to revolve around relationships and how drunk someone had been at a party over the weekend. I was rarely a part of those conversations because I didn’t and have never had a boyfriend to be intimate with nor did I go out drinking or to parties just to get drunk. Is that a valid reason for anyone to be told that they’re boring?
Since taking loosing weight more seriously, I have started noticing that as my self-esteem has grown and my weight has gone down considerably, I am more aware of how insecure and self-conscious of my fat rolls I was. Especially when the gorgeous and slender woman walks into the gym and decides to use the treadmill next to me. Nothing could ever make me feel worse about myself than I do in those moments.
Just because I’ve lost loads of weight doesn’t mean that I don’t still have moments where I look at my reflection in the mirror and hear a voice in my head say that I shouldn’t be wearing that because it doesn’t hide my fat rolls properly. Because like anyone whose had a gastric by-pass will tell you, after losing the weight you will still have the thoughts and feeling that made you comfort eat in the first place.
Lot’s of love,