This is an old daily prompt but it caught my attention while I was looking through the archives and I couldn’t get the urge to write something about the prompt out of my head.
I have spent every waking minute of four years feeling empty and devoid of all emotions; the last time I remember feeling something akin to happiness I was about ten years old. From age eleven onwards I felt that my life was meaningless, I had no value or purpose on this Earth. I had no place in the world, not knowing where you fit in is a lonely and dark place. I didn’t feel anything, as though I was numb to everything that should’ve made me happy.
Packets of crisps and sweets became my best friend all too easily.
There was no way out of my spiralling world of despair. I was so empty that I didn’t see the point in trying to change anything, I couldn’t be bothered to do anything that would help turn the light switch to my emotions back on. I still didn’t feel anything, I survived on going through the motions of every day. Numbness remained in my mind, body and soul. Dark clouds of negativity remained over my head.
I know what its like to have emotions flood your veins. I know what it means to be happy, sad, angry, or indifferent. I’m still working on felling better in my mind, body and soul, because some days I still feel the clouds of the emptiness growing in my mind and pulling me into a dark place of helplessness and loneliness that I no longer want to be a part of.
I found a way out of that dark place without medication like some people do, I spent two and a half months away from home clearing my head. My way out might not work for you, I’m not here to judge your methods of finding help. When you do find it keep focused on giving it time to work because it’s never going to be an overnight fix, trust me.
Feeling numb for any period of time is something that no one should ever have to experience — especially as a young adult. Having memories of what the world is like when you can feel emotions and then having my emotions stripped away from me is horrible. I want to be person that has been trapped inside me for ten years, I want to feel every emotion under the sun just because I can, even if I don’t really want to.
I don’t feel emptiness anymore. I don’t feel trapped in a dark place. I feel safe back in the light and away from dark clouds.