Surface

What Lies Beneath the Surface?

 

As a teenager I grew up being bullied for being overweight. People ignored me because I

1d3c524b7056de60e901f3aec3e6bed1ate too much, people ignored me because I was quiet and didn’t really talk much, people ignored me because I come across as a very strong and tough person (which to some people has seemed intimidating). People have ignored me because I would much rather be lost in a world of make-believe in the corner of a bookshop. People have ignored me because I don’t want to or enjoy dancing in a nightclub or go to festivals. People have judged me as boring because I don’t drink to the point of passing out several times in one night and putting myself at risk. People ignore me because they don’t want to take the time to scratch beneath the surface to find out who I really am.

No one, my family included, wants to try to understand what’s going on in my head — my tough outer shell doesn’t do me any favours in letting that happen. No one took the time to understand that my weight gain wasn’t because of the loss of my Mum, there was so much more to it and no one asked me why.

If anyone had bothered to try they would’ve found that I can be very talkative if I feel comfortable enough. I’m quite introverted. I am a very loyal person. I won’t judge anything someone tells me. I’m a good listener because I prefer it to talking constantly. I can be very hardheaded and stubborn when or if I have to be. I’m not boring just because I don’t have the same interest in destroying my liver every weekend. Just because I don’t talk to someone for months doesn’t mean that I don’t love them or miss them any less.

Maybe if they had tried to get past my well structured mask I would be more open and honest. Maybe I would feel like it’s okay to tell someone that I’m not having a good day. Maybe I wouldn’t be left standing alone in the corner of the dance floor at my prom. Maybe I would’ve been brave enough to dress up and go to my prom. Maybe I wouldn’t have been happier hiding away from my family and the rest of the world in my bedroom. Maybe I wouldn’t have self-harmed and thought about whether life would be better if I wasn’t in it.

Love,

Gennie

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5 thoughts on “Surface

  1. Hi Gennie, it’s nice to read this blog of yours. I am also an introvert so I think somehow I can understand what you truly mean in this post. As a stranger, I can’t talk much to anyone I don’t know, but at least I can tell you this: You deserve a better life, and your own happiness. That means, if people keep ignoring you, don’t let yourself down by that. Maybe that becomes their habit of ignoring, so to change that, we must change first. In order to change anyone, we need to be the first to change, even if it’s very hard. Overweight is not a bad thing if we think about it in a positive way: people can notice you easily, and anyone important to you can find you easily when they need you. You can use this as an advantage sometimes, in many places.
    But I’m not here to talk much about it. We are all introverts, and so, I want to believe that, we can control our feelings better than many others. If you let your depression or sadness control you, you can’t make anything better, and maybe your day can be even worse than worse. I bet you have thought about this, right? That’s great. Now, just think that you won’t wait for anyone to come to you and see your true nature beneath the surface. Instead, you will open your heart first and go out there to meet and talk. I don’t mean just “meeting” and “talking” … Of course you can always have someone to talk to, so now, just honestly ask them anything you feel confused about. You have the great ability to listen, and this will become your strength, only if you have someone to talk to. And, in our entire life, there is always at least 1 “someone” like that, right?
    Well, I still have many things to talk about here, but you see, talking like this is not so bad, right? You can transfer your thoughts to others if you want, and there are many times we have to do things we don’t like but they are helpful, so that we can reach our goals, and find awaiting happiness. You need to smile yourself everyday, force you to smile and think of something funny, intersting, and you will feel better. Then feel free to talk to yourself before going out so you can stay calm before any unexpected event. You have all the powerful sources you need, now you just have to find them. Look inside, then gradually open your heart. Instead of thinking negatively, try to have some positive thought to replace them, like I have mentioned above 😀 I bet you can do it!
    Just do it, Gennie! Wish you the best luck in your life 🙂

    Like

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