What Lies Beneath the Surface?
As a teenager I grew up being bullied for being overweight. People ignored me because I
ate too much, people ignored me because I was quiet and didn’t really talk much, people ignored me because I come across as a very strong and tough person (which to some people has seemed intimidating). People have ignored me because I would much rather be lost in a world of make-believe in the corner of a bookshop. People have ignored me because I don’t want to or enjoy dancing in a nightclub or go to festivals. People have judged me as boring because I don’t drink to the point of passing out several times in one night and putting myself at risk. People ignore me because they don’t want to take the time to scratch beneath the surface to find out who I really am.
No one, my family included, wants to try to understand what’s going on in my head — my tough outer shell doesn’t do me any favours in letting that happen. No one took the time to understand that my weight gain wasn’t because of the loss of my Mum, there was so much more to it and no one asked me why.
If anyone had bothered to try they would’ve found that I can be very talkative if I feel comfortable enough. I’m quite introverted. I am a very loyal person. I won’t judge anything someone tells me. I’m a good listener because I prefer it to talking constantly. I can be very hardheaded and stubborn when or if I have to be. I’m not boring just because I don’t have the same interest in destroying my liver every weekend. Just because I don’t talk to someone for months doesn’t mean that I don’t love them or miss them any less.
Maybe if they had tried to get past my well structured mask I would be more open and honest. Maybe I would feel like it’s okay to tell someone that I’m not having a good day. Maybe I wouldn’t be left standing alone in the corner of the dance floor at my prom. Maybe I would’ve been brave enough to dress up and go to my prom. Maybe I wouldn’t have been happier hiding away from my family and the rest of the world in my bedroom. Maybe I wouldn’t have self-harmed and thought about whether life would be better if I wasn’t in it.